Be Mine Or Else! 13 Valentine Day Cards Featuring Dictators & Luminaries

Will you be my Valentine? Of course you will, or I’ll shoot you! Or hang you. Or throw you in prison. Or pull out your nails or… Well, I surely won’t, but rejecting those Valentine Day cards by famous dictators below is bound to get you in trouble!

But, count yourselves lucky. It’s not just dictators. It’s, um, other famous people as well. Well, just famous men, sadly. I wish there were women too so I would feel wanted even once by someone famous, but hey! Fingers crossed for next year!

Illustrated (lovingly?) by Ben Kling, these Valentine Day cards are the perfect invitation for the perfect date with your perfect loved one. Kling says he’s 26 and doesn’t need a governess, but I sort of doubt that. His hobby is counting upward from 1, and as you can already guess, Kling is a comedian. But he’s special in that he uses all kinds of media to channel his comedy – from standup, music, and illustrations, to writing for CollegeHumor, SparkNotes, and

Ben Kling has, definitely intentionally, mixed in a bunch of dictators with a bunch of writers and artists and stuff. Problem is they’re all cute. Problem number two is, some of these will cut your head off.

So, extreme caution is advised! Some of these invites can’t be uninvited. Some of these dates cannot be refused! OR ELSE!

Scroll down and ACCEPT your Valentine.

1. Adolf Hitler


2. Joseph Stalin


3. Fidel Castro


4. Karl Marx


5. Leon Trotsky


6. Napoleon


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